This Magic Moment

Yup, you guessed it… I’m still talking about Magic Duels. I can’t help it, the game is just too damn fun. Well if I get an opponent who isn’t using a deck with some twenty plus planeswalker spells it is. Those guys are just annoying. Actually the game is fun even if I do run into them. It just turns into a game of how long can I drag this game out to really piss them off? As it turns out, a pretty long time. Here’s how I do it.

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2 Renegade Map

This is a seemingly innocent little card. It serves one purpose in this deck, which will become clear later. Also, in a pinch, it can fetch a land for me, but it almost never does that.

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4 Fog

We talked about this one last time. Played at the right time, my opponent’s rampaging hordes do no damage. Charge at me with that Raging Goblin! I laugh in his goblin face! Ha ha!

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3 Commencement of Festivities

4 Fogs is good, 7 is even better. Why not eight? I had to fit something else in. With sixty total slots and 24 of them occupied by lands, there’s only so much room. It’s okay, I almost always have one when I need it.

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2 Displacement Wave

Sometimes you just need to clear things up to buy yourself some breathing room. This baby does that nicely. It’s nice that my biggest threats are like 8 mana and I rarely have to displace for more than six.

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1 Nissa, Steward of Elements

I know I just complained about people who use lots of planeswalkers, but I can use two, can’t I? Besides this version of Nissa is the shit if you have the mana to make her awesome. I usually do.

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2 Retreat to Kazanadu

This thing really ramps up your life total if you get it in play early enough. And it really gets crazy if you can play both of them. I’ve found myself at 40 plus life by turn six. Late game there are usually less lands coming in because this deck plays most of them pretty fast. Making a wurm go from 5/5 to 6/6 or 7/7 is always pretty nice though.

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3 Geitblast

Wait… a red card? But why? Two damage is often enough to get rid of pesky creatures, but the card’s graveyard ability is why we want it here. Copying a Part the Waterveil or Nissa’s Renewal is invaluable and loads of fun.

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2 Altered Ego

One of two main win conditions in the deck, the only actual creature it runs is the shapeshifting Altered Ego. More than once I’ve copied my opponent’s cheated out Eldrazi (Ulamog the Ceaseless Hunger) and put a shitload of +1/=1 counters on it.

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1 Trial of Knowledge

Drawing three cards for four mana is always nice, even if you have to discard one of them. The deck has no cartouches, so you won’t be popping it back up to use it again, unless it’s out when you cast Displacement Wave.

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3 Glimmer of Genius

Drawing cards is always good. Scrying first is better. Doing it at instant speed is great.

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4 Explosive Vegetation

Extra land starts coming in to play fast. Coupled with Retreat to Kazanadu, one means four or even eight life. It’s very helpful.

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2 Pore Over the Pages

I said earlier that drawing cards is always good. Doing it for five mana is nicer, and untapping two of those afterward is even better.

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2 Shrewd Negotiation

Remember that cheap land fetching artifact, Renegade Map? This is what I like to do with it. I’ll gladly trade it for your Ulamog. With my Altered Ego copy, I’ll have two. Well I would if not for the legend rule.

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1 Jace, Unraveler of Secrets

Another planeswalker!? Yes. I did say I used two. Jace is good for an extra draw or to bounce an opponent’s critter as necessary. Also if you can build him up enough, his ultimate ability is nothing to sneeze at.

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1 Part the Waterveil

Taking an extra turn after this one is always good, and when you can copy it once or more with a graveyard Geitblast makes it that much nicer. I usually win by the time I take the second extra turn.

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2 Nissa’s Renewal

Six mana means three lands and seven life. If you can copy it with a Geitblast or have a Retreat to Kazanadu or two when it is played is always nice.

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2 Sandwurm Convergance

My other win condition, Even if my opponent gets rid of the first couple wurms, this makes a 5/5 at the end of every turn. This mammoth card costs eight mana to cast, in this deck I usually have that by turn six or seven.

24 Lands

Every deck needs them, and you can’t play without them. This deck includes eight Forests, Eight Islands, two Hinterland Harbour, and two Lumbering Falls, the blue/green man land.

So that’s the deck I’ve been playing with the most. Let’s get into a game.

 

Make a Little Magic

Have I mentioned in the past that I like to play Magic: The Gathering? Well I do. A lot, But I’m almost 50 years old. That’s a little old to be hanging around card shops with kids. Fortunately Wizards of the Coast (WOTC). the company that publishes Magic, came up with a fairly effective solution to this problem some 15 years ago or so, they called it Magic Online, It used to be the exclusive way I would play. A few years ago, however, I let Magic Online get away from me, Much like it’s paper based cousin, the only way to stay competitive at Magic Online is to have very deep pockets. So I all but quit Magic Online. And then those WOTC wizards found a way to pull me back: Magic Duels.

0EDDF34A-11BD-4AD4-A206-F9E4BBF7BAA1Magic Duels is a version of the game designed for tablets and gaming consoles. It has almost everything the more traditional Magic Online does, save the trading part of this trading card game. Best of all, it’s free to play.

How does that work? How does WOTC make any money on it if it’s free? The game is based on tokens, Playing against a computer controlled opponent and winning will earn a player up to 15 tokens, Winning against a real human will get you 30. Those tokens can then be used to buy cards. A booster pack costs 150 tokens regularly and includes six cards. Of course you can buy tokens with real money if you so choose. The best price they offer for these is$39.99 for 7,500 coins.  The lowest cost is 150 coins for $1.99. So a pack of cards is worth about two bucks. That’s not too bad considering Magic Online and real live paper Magic packs run about four bucks. Of course they include more cards…

So I don’t win that often, but it’s still fun. I like experimenting with different deck styles, especially ones that find a different way to win. I figure anyone can just deal 20 damage to their opponent. I like finding interesting ways to reach victory. One alternate method is by running your opponent out of cards, or “deckimg” him.

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This is the card that does it. Sphinx’s Tutelage. The deck I’ve had the most success with is a Blue/Green combination that runs no creatures. Those of you who play Magic may be asking, “But Mike… if you run no creatures aren’t you usually dead by turn five?” A lot of times I am. Other times, however, I am protected by Fog effects.

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Fog is a nifty little card and it goes a long way toward keeping me alive.

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Talent of the Telepath is pretty groovy too. Wiping out your opponent’s army with his own Languish (all creatures get -4/-4) is loads of fun,

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Nissa’s Renewal also helps with my livelihood, gaining me seven life as it boosts my mana production. Mzybe I’ll see you online?

The Worst of the Worst

 

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Johnny Depp as Ed Wood

Have you ever seen the movie Ed Wood? I’ll tell you now it’s a fine film, one full of Hollywood nostalgia. It also contains a fabulous performance by Martin Landau playing Bela  Lugosi. The reason that I bring it up is because of what the movie is actually about: a filmmaker who, although he is at the absolute bottom of the Hollywood barrel, loves what he’s doing. The real-life Wood made some of the worst pictures ever conceived (Glen or Glenda, Plan 9 From Outer Space), but he absolutely loved every moment of doing them. I imagine that’s true of most filmmakers. Making a movie is a labor of love and even when it turns out hideously bad, the filmmaker had to love making the film. Or, he’s a hack who just makes terrible movies.

 

In any case, I decided to look back at what have been considered the worst movies for each year I’ve been alive, starting with 1968, the year of my birth. These listings all come from Flickchart, so if you strongly disagree, take it up with them.

1968: Hollywood After Dark

v1I never saw (or even heard of) this one, so I can’t really comment on it. Apparently it’s a T&A fest that stars Golden Girl Rue McClanahan. It’s also known by the title Walk the Angry Beach. So, there’s that.

1969: Night of the Bloody Apes

untitledAnother one I’m unfamiliar with. I thought I’d seen every stinker ever made, but clearly I’m an amateur because I’ve not seen this foreign-made piece of crap. From the looks of the poster, it’s unclear whether they were ripping off Planet of the Apes or King Kong. Maybe both.

1970: Hercules in New York

untitledNow we’re talkin’! I’ve seen this piece of plop. It’s interesting that in Schwarzenegger’s early career the things producers thought would work against him were his accent and the spelling of his name. Now they’re probably his biggest draw. That didn’t stop them from dubbing his voice in this flick with Joe Radio Pipes being his voice stand-in. That, by the way, is probably the best thing that can be said about this movie. In short, it sucks.

1971: Dollars

untitledSo, no I haven’t seen this one either. It stars Warren Beatty and Goldie Hawn, however, two actors who are known to make a stinker now and again. Beatty, after all, made Dick Tracy, and Goldie was proudly in Overboard, a movie that my mom just loves. I’m in no rush to see it.

1972: Something Evil

untitledThis one is bad. Maybe it should get a pass because it was actually made for television… nah. It was directed by Steven Spielberg and he’s had enough kudos over the years to remind him that nobody’s perfect.

1973:B;lackenstein

untitledOh yes, you read that right. The 70s gave us hordes of “blacksploitation” movies with titles like Cleopatra Jones and The Brother From Another Planet, but this has got to be one of the worst. Building on the dubious popularity of Blackula, this one gives us the story of Frankenstein’s monster… but he’s black!

1974:The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat

untitledI actually liked this one, but… it’s on the list. Our hero Fritz tells a few different stories. Most memorable of them is Fritz teaching his diaper wearing son the finer points of masturbation and Fritz’s meeting with Adolph Hitler who insists that they shower together and that Fritz drops the soap. Keep this one away from the kiddies, something we learned the hard way when my sister Lisa was about six years old and thought the copy of Fritz the Cat was for her to watch. it wasn’t.

1975: The Giant Spider Invasion

untitledYeah it’s a big bug movie. This one features lots of regular sized spiders, invading en masse, but one particular “giant” spider that looks a lot like and old school VW Beetle just barely made up to be spider-y. It’s easy to confuse this one with Kingdom of the Spiders, another particularly bad one from the same time frame starring William Shatner (Captain Kirk FTW), but that’s a different film. Still bad, but different.

1976: Track of the Moon Beast

untitledInterestingly, I’ve never seen or heard of this one either. We’re getting into the years of my childhood that I remember pretty well too. It does look pretty bad though, so I’m gonna go with it.

1977:The Billion Dollar Hobo

untitledIt’s funnyman Tim Conway, proving that he’s not funny away from Carol Burnette. This doesn’t quite reach the level of bad that Conway is capable of, those Dorf videos (mail order in the 90’s) have that handeled.

1978 Puff the Magic Dragon

untitledRemember how this was a beloved children’s song from the 1960’s? Yeah, in the late 70’s they turned it into a cartoon and fucked it all up. This tells the story of little Jackie Paper, a seemingly autistic boy who has no friends. One day he meets Puff the Dragon and they go off on an adventure. When he returns, he’s all better. This proves that a healthy dose of imagination can even cure autism. Spoiler alert: no it can’t.

1979: Captain America

untitledRemember in 1990 something when X-Men hit pretty big at the box office and Hollywood started putting actual money into superhero films? This piece of crap came long before that. This Cap rides a motorcycle and isn’t particularly strong, a far cry from The Avengers this guy was. I never saw it til it was featured on television, but I was enough of a geek that I would have had I the chance. I don’t think it was ever released in theaters near me.

1980: Heaven’s Gate

untitledEverybody remembers this one, right? The film by Michael Cimino that cost millions to make but wouldn’t earn half of it back? This one is just plain terrible. There’s no saving it.

1981: Faces of Death Part II

untitledI remember this all too well. It lacked the sensationalism of the first one, and a lot of the gore for which the series was famous. Honestly it’s hard to remember just what bits were in each movie. Did Part II feature the boxer who was killed in the ring? Or was that in III? Maybe Part II had the phony police shooting? Or the electrocution? Who remembers? I just remembered these movies were a big deal on home video in the mid eighties.

1982: Grease 2

untitledWhat a piece of shit! I know I’m in a club all by myself in that I didn’t like the original Grease. In fact, I thought I was the only one until I met Lisa. But this one… wow. I don’t know if it’s the thirty five year old high school kids or the fact that Lorenzo Lamas has a supporting role or both. Watch it and tell me you don’t find the singing antics of Adrian Zmed laughable. Then punch yourself in the mouth for watching this turd.

1983: The Sting 2

untitledTake a well respected flick of the late seventies, subtract it’s star power but add Jackie Gleason and Mac Davis (of all people), shake well, and shove it all right up your asshole. Shit it back out and you’ll have something close to this piece of poop. I was, I think, about thirteen when I saw this on cable (I want my MTV!) and I still remember the horror quite clearly.

1984: Best Defense

untitledIt’s got Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy! How could it be bad? Trust me, it is. Moore is no Arthur in this one, and Murphy is no Axel Foley.

1985: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

untitledAnother one I haven’t seen, but I assume that it’s a run of the mill sword and sorcery flick. Those are rarely good.

1986: Heathcliff: The Movie

untitledWhat’s worse than a CGI Garfield voiced by Bill Murray? A cartoon of Heathcliff, the Garfield wannabe. Don’t find yourself watching this ever. You can tell them I warned you.

1987: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

untitledSo Supes decides unilaterally to disarm the world, relieving us of all our nuclear weapons and shoving them into deep space. Oh and Lex Luthor digs up a bizzarro Superman guy with nicer hair and a cooler suit and gets them to fight. Or something. I really don’t know because I’d given up on this piece of crap before I ever bought a ticket.

1988: Mac and Me

untitledI wish I could say I hadn’t seen this one. It’s easily the worst rip off of Spielberg’s E.T. imaginable. It’s also a ninety minute commercial for McDonald’s. No amount of Schezuan McNugget dipping sauce will save this one.

1989: Going Overboard

untitledFile this under “embarrassing early work” for it’s stars Billy Zane and Adam Sandler. There’s really no other way to classify it. It just sucks.

1990: Problem Child

untitledJohn Ritter adopts the kid from Hell. Isn’t that funny? Why would you need another joke? Or a script? Kick him in the nuts and dump stuff on his head. Really, this one writes itself. Or you’ll swear it did.

1991: Bingo

untitledAnother one I haven’t seen. Doesn’t it look fantastic though? Someone needs to tell these people that a movie doesn’t have to be a piece of shit in order for kids to enjoy it.

1992: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

untitledSly Stallone can’t make a bad movie, right? Well, unless you count at least five of the Rocky films, Rambo, Rhinestone, Demolition Man, and a host of others. Including this painful to watch effort. Estelle Getty from The Golden Girls is Sly’s mom! And he’s a cop or something.

1993: Mr. Nanny

untitledThe Hulkster, brother! He’s gonna be a nanny to all these precocious little kids! When will they realize that this formula doesn’t work? Apparently this didn’t teach them because they still made The Tooth Fairy starring Dwayne Johnson years later.

1994: How the West Was Fun

untitledHow did these little girls ever get famous? To me they always looked like troll dolls. Troll dolls with SAG cards is exactly what they are. So, in all honesty I’ve not seen this film, but I’m none too surprised that it turned up on the top of the list for 1994.

1995: Problem Child 3

untitledKick him in the nuts again! Dump more stuff on his head! Even John Ritter was smart enough to stay away from this one and they got William Katt instead.

1996: Mr. Wrong

untitledI liked this movie and didn’t think it was bad at all. Maybe I just like Ellen. On a side note, were you really that surprised when she came out as gay? I was more surprised when Portia DeRossi was her spouse. None of that has to do with the movie though. I thought it was pretty funny. So, there’s that.

1997: Speed 2: Cruise Control

untitledKeanau Reeves split for the Speed sequel. Sandra Bullock was there though, because I am convinced that in the darkest corner of Hell, there is a contract, inked in blood, with her name signed at the bottom. That’s the only reason a person can release shitty movie after shitty movie and remain as popular as she has, Think about it. This woman appeared in Demolition Man, Practical Magic, Hope Floats, 28 Days, and on & on. Sure she also made Crash and The Blind Side, but those were accidents.

1998: Barney’s Great Adventure

untitledWhat a shock that this wasn’t an Oscar winner! Surely everyone loves the adventures of a purple singing dinosaur, right? Okay. maybe not so much.

1999: Baby Geniuses

untitledYou know you haven’t seen this, but you knew about it and you’ve always wondered, “is it really that bad?” It is.

2000: Pay it Forward

untitledThis actually had the top slot on Rolling Stone’s list of the worst movies of the decade of the 2000’s. A bit surprising since so many people loved this flick. I was one of them, actually, but reading what Rolling Stone had to say about the movie made me agree. Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt scrape the career dregs in a toxic piece of Hollywood swill that exploits the death of a child for cheap tears and then pretends it’s about the triumph of the human spirit. True enough. Still makes me weepy though.

2001: Glitter

untitledRemember when Mariah Carey was singing at New Year’s Eve and she forgot the words and then just walked off stage? This movie is a bit like that uncomfortable moment, for an hour and a half. It’s bad.

2002: Mr. Deeds

untitledAdam Sandler has always been hit or miss for me. Every so often he makes a good movie like Happy Gilmore or 50 First Dates. The rest of the time it’s crap like Billy Madison or Mr. Deeds. You take what you can get, I suppose.

2003: Phone Booth

untitledThe movie that just a few years later would have been impossible to make. Because all the phone booths disappeared by 2008 or so. It turns out that watching a movie about some guy talking on a pay phone is about as exciting as watching a guy on a pay phone in real life. In other words, not at all,

2004: White Chicks

untitledPutting a guy in a dress is rarely funny anymore. Milton Berle did it in 1953 and it’s used up. Coloring that guy’s skin and making race-based jokes with him is downright offensive. Don’t agree with me? Imagine it was Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels  in blackface and dresses. Not so funny anymore, is it? Still, it did give the two least funny Wayans some work. That’s got to count for something.

2005: Alone in the Dark

untitledRemember Super Mario Bros.? How about Silent Hill? Resident Evil? Those films. along with Alone in the Dark all serve to prove a point: movies based on video games almost always suck. I keep watching them though. Guess I’m a glutton for punishment.

2006: Date Movie

untitledThe most hilarious romp since Scary Movie! It makes Disaster Movie look like Not Another Teen Movie! Allison Hannigan’s finest work since Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Oh, and it’s not funny. At all.

2007: Norbit

untitledApparently black guys dressed up like overweight women is hilarious. Oh, wait no it isn’t.

2008: Meet Dave

untitledEddie Murphy? Again?! Maybe he should just stop making movies… oh, wait…. I think he has. Too bad it wasn’t before he did this one.

2009: Bruno

untitledI don’t care, I liked Bruno. Sure, it wasn’t as good as Borat, but Sascha Baron Cohen can’t make them all winners, can he?

2010: Grown Ups

untitledWhat do you get when you combine the work of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schnider, Kevin James, and David Spade? Apparently one of the worst films ever made. Watch it and you just might wind up numb.

2011: Jack and Jill

untitledEven more Adam Sandler! I dare say that he may appear on this list more than anyone else. In this flick he plays main character Jack and Jack’s sister Jill. Isn’t that hilarious?

2012: That’s My Boy

untitledAdam Sandler FTW! Even Andy Samberg couldn’t save this piece of shit. Thing is, the premise could be kind of funny. Sandler’s character got a girl pregnant as a teenager and winds up raising the child as a child himself. The bad parenting jokes are just bad though and the movie is just awful.

2013: Grown Ups 2

untitledOh god! It’s back again! Even more Adam Sandler. That guy really knows how to churn out the stinkers, doesn’t he?

2014: Child of God

untitledThe directorial debut from James Franco. This guy was stellar in Howl and 127 Hours and even Pineapple Express, but it’s apparent that he can’t direct his way out of a paper bag.

2015: Fantastic Four

untitledHow many times is this movie going to be attempted? While a number of comic book purists were probably crying out that Johnny Blaze can’t be played by a black man, I’m more modern day on the issue. Sure a black guy can play Johnny Blaze or James Bond or Doctor Who or whoever. But if that character has a sibling, shouldn’t that sibling be the same race? I’ll admit that I haven’t seen this one, but it certainly appeared to be no Avengers. And Sue Storm is in the poster, on the left. She looks like a white girl to me.

2016: Office Christmas Party

untitledSure, it looks funny. It’s got Jennifer Anniston and T.J. Miller and everything about it should be hysterical. Except it’s not.

So there you have it. A bad movie from every year there’s been a me. Maybe next time I’ll talk about the good ones.

 

The Walking Rotting Corpses

3d72647ae7842c11c9b1e9063d4b874fSo this week was the much-hyped season finale of The Walking Dead, an event I was eagerly awaiting because I wanted to see Negan get what was coming to him. In the interest of not spoiling it for anyone, I will say now that this story will likely contain spoilers. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading and go shoot yourself or something. For the rest of you… what. The. Fuck!? I was willing to buy Rick and the rest sucking it up and letting Negan just do what he wants, even if it meant Glenn’s and Abraham’s brains being spread all around the car park. I was even willing to accept that Darryl would let himself be kept prisoner and fed dog food sandwiches all that time. I will not, however, believe that Eugene was not all about fucking Negan’s wives. Eugene brings the sex, after all.

untitledAbout the finale itself, I liked it. I know there are a number of people online who feel that the show has jumped the proverbial shark, but I still think it’s pretty good. When the “garbage people” double-crossed Rick, I fell for the tenseness of the situation. I actually  thought that Negan might pull the Glenn routine on Carl for a moment or so there. And I was relieved when the Kingdom people showed up to save the day. Go Shiva! That tiger ate a few motherfucker’s faces! Hey, I warned you there would be spoilers.

twd-sasha-715-986730And how about Sasha? She’d gotten herself captured by the Saviors while on a suicide mission to take out Negan and turned it into an actual suicide mission with some help from Eugene. So when Negan opened the casket she was hidden in, imagine his surprise when walker Sasha tried to eat his face, Unfortunately he got away.

So that’s where the show left us. Rick basically got his balls back, Eugene is still at least seeming to work for the Saviors and Negan, and Sasha’s dead, The jury is still out on what’s up with Carol. Either she’s ready to come back to Alexandria, or she’s going to return yo her house in the Kingdom and her beat up copy of Lord of the Flies or whatever she’d been reading all season.

untitledWhat’s gonna happen starting in October? Will Negan get his? Maggie should be about ready to pop out that little love child she’s carrying. Carl should be ready to start driving, even though he can’t see very well. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Destroy the Brain and you Destroy the Ghoul… Not Always

 

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“What do you mean I’m room temperature?”

I love movies, especially horror films. Some of my favorites are the ones about zombies. Tonight I re-watched an old favorite, Return of the Living Dead. Have you seen it? It’s not especially good, so don’t go telling people that I said it was. It is, however, the perfect mix of creepy and funny. It also does a good job of laughing in the face of the familiar zombie flick rules that we are all familiar with.

 

The first zombie rule this film does away with is the familiar “destroy the brain, destroy the ghoul” one that has become zombie folklore. Doesn’t work. Our heroes find this out the hard way pretty early on. They put a pick axe right through an undead head and decapitate it, only to have the headless body come after them.xplains that they do not eat “people,” only brains because doing so “helps to ease the pain of being dead.”

So, how do you kill these buggers? The short answer is that you can’t for the most part. They do manage to get rid of one using a crematorium, but that’s not very practical when there’s a horde of them.

 

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Brains!

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Linnea Quigley

Another zombie trope that doesn’t count for much here is the “deadness” of the zombies. These ghouls are able to speak just fine and it is one nearly skeletal female zombie who explains that they do not eat people, only brains. Doing so “helps to ease the pain of being dead.” These zombies also don’t really go around infecting others. There is one victim who reanimates after death, the perfect tits Linnea Quigley, but that may be because she was naked in the rain when the reanimating shit was spread all over the local cemetery.

 

F90C03C9-C93E-4B40-9F60-419520DF65A2These zombies are also able to function more or less like people. We see one have a conversation over an ambulance radio, asking the dispatcher to “Send more paramedics.” Another makes a similar request of the police. Mostly, however, the zombies just chant, “brains…”

So we’ve got a cemetery’s worth of virtually unkillable zombies snacking on the domes of our punk rocker heroes, What do they do to get rid of them? They call the army to report that there’s been an issue. It was an army fuck up that unleashed this shit in the first place. Apparently they have a contingency plan. The army then (and this is a spoiler alert for a thirty year old movie) nukes Louisville, Kentucky. It’s okay though. Apparently they only killed some 4,000 people. Hey, it was the Reagan era. The rain will even take care of the resulting fires. No harm, no foul.

Of course, it was the rain that spread the undead shit around in the first place…

Join me next time when I talk about another favorite bad film… maybe Yoga Hosers.

The Ultimate Charlatan

IMG_0573This past November the American people made a huge mistake. We elected a liar, a con man, the ultimate charlatan, and the biggest flim-flam man to ever walk the earth. We elected a pussy-grabbing asshat to the highest office in the land.

download (24)Now it’s no secret that I don’t much like Trump, that’s not because he’s a Republican. well not just because of that. It’s because he is a truly deplorable person. Case in point? The Washington Presidential Prayer Breakfast thingy where he had the balls to bitch about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance in the ratings for that god-awful Apprentice show and asked everybody to pray for the program. Really!? It’s no secret that I believe there is no God anyway, but if there was, shouldn’t the president of the United States have more pressing matters on his mind? Maybe it would be bad form for him to pray there wasn’t some poor kid somewhere being treated to a free lunch.

images (2)What I really don’t understand is how good and supposedly sane people can still support him. I guess if the Donald openly admitting to sexual assault didn’t sway people, nothing will. Not even an idiot like Kellyanne Conway suggesting that the president plays by “alternate facts.” Did she not realize she was on television when she said that? Maybe she figured it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter because if the president is going to lie, why  shouldn’t everyone?

download (25)So the travel ban failed, twice. I guess he forgot about the US system of checks and balances that is in place to stop a crazy asshole from ruining our country. Oh, and the great wall along the southern border of the United States? Probably also not going to happen. Then there was that health care bill.

“Who knew that health care was so complicated?” said Boss Tweet. Everybody, Donny. Absolutely everybody knew that.

download (26)But the republicans pressed on and introduced the most absurd health care bill the nation has ever seen. The GOP’s plan would eliminate the Obamacare Subsidies which are refundable tax credits based on a person’s income and cost of coverage in their area. More than eight in 10 enrollees on the Obamacare exchanges receive this assistance, but individuals making more than $47,500 and families of four earning more than $97,200 do not qualify. Many older consumers would face huge premium hikes under the GOP bill because its tax credits are not as generous as Obamacare’s subsidies for lower-income enrollees in their 50s and early 60s.

But it doesn’t matter, because congress wisely cancelled even voting on the absurd plan and we are “stuck” living under Obamacare at least a little while longer. Sorry, Paul Ryan, but your miraculous bill which would have taken health coverage away from some 24 million people and raised the rates for almost everyone just didn’t cut it. I guess you and the pussy grabber in chief will have to find another way to screw everyone you can. There is still that SCOTUS seat open.

Bitchin’ About God Again

untitledSo, here I go again, bitching about God. Why? If he doesn’t exist, what’s my deal? Well, I’m glad you asked that. I know he doesn’t exist, but not everyone does, apparently. At least very few people seem willing to admit that. But why do I care? What harm does it do if John and Jane Q. Public believe wholeheartedly in a deity? For the most part, nothing. Unless, of course, John and Jane are going to vote based on their religious beliefs. Then I might have an issue.

untitledYour Big Book says that people shouldn’t be gay, for example. So you think people shouldn’t be gay. Incidentally, that book also forbids eating shellfish and wearing mixed fabrics, but I bet you have no problem with those things. So, why is same sex love an issue? You don’t like gayness, well don’t do anything gay. But don’t hold anything against an entire segment of the population because you don’t like what they do with their dicks.

But, God said that people shouldn’t be gay, not you! Guess what? Despite your most stringent beliefs and in opposition to all your attempts, not everyone believes in the same god that you do. They don’t have to, you know? So, quit yer fussin’ and deal with it.

imagesOSHKUGMAAlso, God is a monster. There really is nothing moral about him. Look at it this way. Imagine you’re sitting in a coffee shop. Through the window of this shop, you can see me out on the street chatting on my cell phone. After a moment or so, a baby carriage comes rolling down the street toward me. There is a baby in it. The child’s mother is about twenty feet back, screaming and crying for someone to save her baby. At the last moment, just as the carriage is within my reach, I sidestep out of its way and watch it roll on past. You would say, and rightly,  “Wow… Mike Triggs is a monster!”

imagesGOGB9SF5Now imagine the same scene, but I’m in the coffee shop with you. We both watch helplessly as that baby carriage rolls down the street. Who is it that got out of the way this time? Granted, I say that god doesn’t exist, but lots of people have got to admit that their god is, in fact, a monster who would do nothing to save that child. So, I say fuck god. Fuck him right in the ear.