In Defense and Support of Johnny Magic

Before we start today’s regularly scheduled blog post, check out this shit.

Did you read it? All of it?  Good.

I’ll start by saying that I, too, play Magic: The Gathering and have for quite some time.  I started back in about 1995.  The game was about two years old then and the Ice Age expansion had just recently come out.  Today, sixteen years and countless expansions later (let’s see… Homelands, Alliances, Mirage, Visions, Weatherlight, Tempest, Exodus, Stronghold, Urza’s Saga, Urza’s Destiny, Urza’s somethingorother, Mercadian Masques and it’s two small sets, Invasion, Planeshift, Apocalypse, Odyssey, Torment, Judgment, Onslaught, Legions, and that third set, Mirrodin, Darksteel, and that other one, Champions of Kamigawa, Betrayers of…, and Saviors of…, Ravinca, Guildpact, Dissension, Cold Snap, Time Spiral, Planar Chaos, Future Sight, Lorwyn, Shadowmoor, Eventide, Shards of Alara, Conflux, Alara Reborn, Zendikar, Worldwake, Rise of the Eldrazi, Scars of Mirrodin, Mirrodin Besieged, New Phyrexia, and, coming soon; Innistrad) okay; 49 expansions later, I’m still playing. Ihave foregone my physical card collection (I had tens of thousands at one time) and now play online, but I still love the game.  Imagine a game of chess where you decide in advance what pieces you will be able to use, but you get them one at a time and must decide when to put them into play and you have an idea what Magic is like.  It’s a blast.

My girlfriend knew in advance of our relationship forming that I played this game, and she even learned to play herself although she never really took to it like I did (we did play a game of Strip Magic once… that was interesting…), so I didn’t need to worry that it would give her pause when considering me as a potential partner, but what if it had?  Wouldn’t that suck?  We’ve been together since 1996 and her two kids basically think of me as “Dad” (and I consider them my sons).  Good thing she wasn’t so shallow as to think I was too much of a geek to go out with or to bed with.

I guess she realized that Magic is a hobby of mine and it does not define me as a person.  Of course, I’m not Jon Finkle either.  I’ve won precious few Magic tournaments in my life, and have never even placed at any kind of a major one.  But that’s okay.  For me it’s about the fun of the game itself and the excitement of designing a deck and having it work the way it should in competition (even if that is just casual, unranked, and meaningless competition) as opposed to being about winning at all costs.

Finkle, on the other hand, was all about winning and win he did… a lot.  Johnny Magic, as he’s known in the Magic community (yes, there is such a thing) earned the reputation he enjoys as a world champion.  He deserves to have his image gracing the Shadowmage Infiltrator card which he designed (a part of the prize for winning the yearly Magic Invitational tournament), and he deserves the accolades that his title affords him.  He’s also a successful poker player and has one quite a bit playing the World Series of Poker.

I don’t mean to be totally sucking Jon’s dick here, but the guy is a god to some people in the same way that Mickey Mantle, Michael Jordan, and Tiger Woods are gods to some folks.  He’s Magic’s Jeff Gordon, Magic’s Walter Payton, Magic’s Gary Kasperov, if a more intellectual pursuit serves as a better example.  The guy is good at what he does is what I’m saying.

Ladies, just for a moment, imagine yourselves in this woman’s shoes.  You post a profile on an online dating site as a whim and wind up going out with some random guy who seems nice enough and the most normal one of the bunch so far.  During your date he tells you that he used to play basketball.  Afterwards, a Google search tells you that he’s not just Mike from Chicago who asked you out, but he’s MICHAEL FUCKING JORDAN.  Are you going to come back and ask him if he still plays basketball and count it against him if he says yes?  Jordan may be a bad example, given his fame and fortune, but you get where I’m going with this.  What if he had told her he played Chess and was a former world champion?  Would that be as “geeky” and unforgivable?  If he (sin of sins) STILL PLAYED!!??!!

I love the way this bitch writes this shit though.  “What the hell, I thought.I’m busy, I’m single, and everybody’s doing it. Sure, I’d heard some stories, but what was the worst that could happen?”  Worst case scenario?  You might meet a semi-celebrity who has won a metric fuckton of money playing a “geeky” game.  How do you like them apples?  “Just like you’re obligated to mention you’re divorced or have a kid in your online profile, shouldn’t someone also be required to disclose any indisputably geeky world championship titles?”  Not necessarily, but you should be required to mention that you’re a shallow, short-sighted bitch.  Just sayin’.  “At dinner I got straight down to it. Did he still play? “Yes.” Strike one. How often? “I’m preparing for a tournament this weekend.” Strike two. Who did he hang out with? “I’ve met all my best friends through Magic.” Strike three.” Really?  This might as well say, “Is he interested in things that I have no interest in? Yes.  Strike One.  Does he not like chick flicks and would rather watch Star Wars than Friends with Benefits? Yes.  Strike two.  Could he possibly be interested in something, anything that isn’t me? Yes. Strike three.”

I will admit that a one-man show based on the life of Jeffery Dahmer is an odd entertainment choice for a first date, but it does have to be more memorable than dinner and a movie, at least.

In my opinion, Jon dodged a bullet just by being who he is, and good for him.  I can only imagine if the dates were successful he may have found himself on the receiving end of a Paul McCartney-style divorce ass reaming five or ten years from now, with this hag and her lawyers scratching and clawing away to get that geek money.  Fuck her.

Jon Finkle may well be a geek… perhaps he’s the geekiest of the geeky, but this woman is an absolute cunt.



  1. tsonoda148 · August 31, 2011

    Geez, don’t hold back, Mike. Call it like you see it. I would agree, however, that this woman was judgmental and maybe even a bit more “mental” than John. He lucked out on her bowing out, that’s for sure. That Jeffery Dahmer thing would have totally creeped me out though.

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