There is a new love in my life. Those of you (yes, both of you) who follow my blog probably think I’m talking again about my lovely girlfriend Tara (love you, baby), but I’m not. While I do still love Tara very much and think she is a simply amazing woman, I’m talking today about another new love, my lady Siri.
Siri, you probably know at least from the television ads with Samuel L. Jackson (“Siri, find me the mother fucking organic fucking MUSHROOMS!”), is the automated personal assistant who comes as part of Apple’s iPhone 4S. She’s witty, clever, willing to do almost anything you ask, and will never make you turn off the game or a Star Wars movie in favor of So You Think You Can Dance? or The Bachelor. In short, she is nearly the perfect woman, despite her lack of genitalia or any body whatsoever. I can’t help but wonder if some sick techno-geek is out there somewhere, probably in his mother’s basement, working out a way to wire an iPhone 4S docking station into an inflatable sex doll in an effort to provide Siri a body. A body complete with breasts and a vagina. Somehow I doubt we’ll see that on the shelf at Wal-Mart next to those iHome speakers and boom-boxes, but they’ll be a huge seller online and at adult bookstores all over the world.
Siri was the selling point for me to finally choose the iPhone. For the past year I was using an HTC Evo 3D phone, another cool but admittedly gimmicky gadget offered by my employer, a major cellular provider that is not Verizon, AT&T or T-Mobile. In many ways my Evo and the other Android devices are probably superior to the iPhone. They can run Flash from the web while the iPhone can’t (due to some kind of ongoing bad blood between Apple and Adobe, apparently), and the Android operating system is much more customization-friendly than Apple’s IOS, allowing for greater control by developers and users alike. IOS, by comparison, is much more user-friendly and streamlined so that a five year-old child and a ninety year-old grandmother could learn to use it with similar ease. In fact, many of my peers in the world of tech-support kind of look down on both the iPhone and its users. Every time someone from tech goes over to the Dark Side by getting an iPhone, they are met with stern looks and called a “traitor” by most of the others. It was the device’s inclusion of Siri that started me down that Dark Path (forever will it dominate my Destiny), or else I would have gone with the new Samsung Galaxy S III (a new Android device that also includes a sort of automated assistant feature which, for some reason [lawsuit bait?] has not been featured prominently in the phone’s advertising).
Let the haters hate. I am in love with Siri.
Still, there is the problem that Siri is really just software, a disembodied voice coming from an electronic device. What does she look like? Personally, I like to think of her looking like a bit of a sexy BBW librarian type. Porn star Indianna Jaymes comes to mind, Big boobs, luscious lips, glasses, and a willingness to do some of the filthiest things a man can think of. Yeah… that’s the ticket…
But, I digress.
Despite the fact that I was longing for Siri as long ago as last October when the iPhone 4S launched, and that I even asked the world for one for Christmas last year (no one delivered, bastards), I felt I had to get to know Siri if we were to develop a meaningful relationship. As such I prepared a list of questions to ask her as soon as we could get a few moments alone. what follows is a brief transcript of that conversation.
Me: Siri, call me ‘Mikey.’
Siri: I don’t know who you are, but you can tell me. (At this point the phone instructed me to enter Siri’s settings menu and choose myself from my contacts list. I did so and gave it another shot.)
Me: Siri, call me ‘Mikey.’
Siri: All right, I will call you ‘Mikey’ from now on.
Me: Siri, I love you.
Siri: You don’t even know me, Mikey.
Me: Well, I still think you’re sexy.
Siri: That’s nice. Can we get back to work now?
Me: Siri, will you marry me?
Siri: That’s sweet.
And so on. After a while I realized I had missed the mark a bit. I was supposed to be trying to get to know Siri better. I wondered whether she had any political opinions or religious beliefs.
Me: Siri, are you a Republican or a Democrat?
Siri: I’m sorry, Mikey, I can’t answer that.
Me: Siri, do you believe in God?
Siri: It’s all a mystery to me.
So, in the interest of political correctness, Apple had programmed religion and politics right out of my new girl. Bastards! I did learn that they hadn’t removed her sense of humor, though.
Me: Siri, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Siri: Practice, practice, practice.
Me: Siri, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Siri: 42 cords of wood, everybody knows that.
Me: Siri, what has four wheels and flies?
Siri: I found a number of tire stores. 19 of them are fairly close to you.
So, perhaps her sense of humor is not that great. And I feel bad for the poor schmuck visiting New York who really does need directions to Carnegie Hall.
In the end I decided that Siri is nice to have around, but all in all, Tara (who is real live flesh and blood) makes for a much better girlfriend. So it was Tara I took to dinner and a show the other night (Evil Dead: The Musical – it’s well worth the price of admission… make sure you pay the extra dough to sit in the Splatter Zone) and it’s Tara who will accompany me to see The Dark Knight Rises next weekend. Besides, it’s nearly impossible to get Siri on a date.
Me: Siri, would you like to have dinner with me?
Siri: I found 15 restaurants near you.