Midnight Movie Massacre

They’re calling it the “Midnight Movie Massacre,” a title that seems perfect for, well, a midnight movie.

This was no tale  of a masked madman stalking babysitters in suburbia, however, what the Colorado audience got for their ticket price to see The Dark Knight Rises was an experience far more terrifying.  Just minutes after the film started at midnight on Friday, July 20, a helmeted and masked figure dressed in black tossed gas canisters into the auditorium, filling the room with smoke. Then he started shooting.  When the bloodshed ended the killer left the theater through the back door he’d propped open earlier and twelve people were dead and nearly sixty others were wounded, some seriously.  At least one infant child was among those hurt in the shooting.

Witnesses described the scene to press and police later with phrases like “”He looked like an assassin ready to go to war,” and “He would reload and shoot and anyone who would try to leave would just get killed.”

James Holmes. 24, a college student with a Bachelor’s Degree in neuroscience… nonetheless a numbfuck.

The event is being called the worst mass-shooting in recent American history and continues to draw comparisons to the shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado in April, 1999.  In that event twelve students and one teacher were shot and killed by two teenage gunmen and twenty one others were wounded before the killers shot themselves.

This asshole, a twenty-four year-old college student named James Holmes (with a degree in neuroscience) didn’t even have the stones to put himself out of our misery once he was done shooting innocent people.

When tragedies like this occur in the US, the first thing we often ask is “Why?” Why the fuck would someone do something like this?  And, of course, there is no shortage of suggested reasons.  When Columbine happened the  country pointed its collective finger alternately at the internet (teenagers shouldn’t have access to it!), violent video games (Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat made them do it!), and Marilyn Manson (the Devil’s music!).  Of course the Columbine shooters took their own lives and, as such, were not around to give us their reasons, however lame they may have been.

This cocksucker lived.  That means, at some point, we’re likely to hear his story.

The obvious assumption is that he’s crazy.  And he probably is.  He did, after all, dye his hair red for his big show and reportedly told police that he was The Joker.  Of course he’s crazy.  You don’t have to be a Batman fan the stature of Kevin Smith to know that the Joker’s hair is green.

Why is it that shit like this seems to be uniquely American?  I’m sure there are plenty of crazy assholes in places like England, France, Germany, and all over the world.  Why is it that here is the only [place where they’ll start shooting up a crowded movie theater while everywhere else they’re content to masturbate on playground equipment at the park or run through the streets holding bits of their own feces in their hands?  Maybe its because, in America, as long as you’re not too crazy to know how to answer five questions on a form, in most states you can buy a deadly weapon over the counter? Could that be it? Nah.  After all, guns don’t kill people, people kill people, right? How many kids would have gone to the hospital Friday morning if this twatcrack had to walk into that theater armed with squeezable butter or a putty knife? Just asking.

I’m sure we’ll find out that he played a little too much Mass Effect 3 or was heavily influenced by Rob Zombie though.

Yeah, that feels safer.



  1. Shannon Crofutt · July 23, 2012

    Mike you are such a terrific writer and seriously need to write a book. Please dont waste your talent and just do it. Trust me your book or books will be read by millions of fans the tough part will be coming up with the title!

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