I’m Not Even Supposed to BE Here Today!

Las Vegas public transit

Las Vegas public transit

To start this entry off right, I need to tell you all a little bit about my typical day.  I don’t drive a car. To get my wretched ass to and from work, i rely upon that dreaded two-word phrase public transportation.  For people in big civilized cities like New York or Chicago, this may seem like no big deal.  Let me tell you something. You fuckers in the Big Apple or Chi-town have got it easy.  NY has the subway, a decent bus system, and you can’t sneeze in that city without getting snot on a yellow cab.  Chicago has the El. I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona where there is a bus system of sorts, but that’s about it.  The buses in Phoenix (at least at the time I left there, almost ten years ago – holy fuck, has it been that long already?) don’t run much past ten at night and don’t run on every major street that they really should.  The buses in Phoenix, in short, suck.  At least they did up until late 2003 when I got the fuck out.  Now I live in Las Vegas, Nevada, and here they’re a little better… but just barely.

What this means is I typically leave my house between 10:00 and 10:30 in the morning and hop on the Tropicana Avenue bus.  It takes me to Maryland Parkway where I hop on a second bus which takes me to just about in front of my workplace.  I start my shift at noon, but I like to arrive early to chill out, have a few smokes and maybe a cup of coffee, so i typically get to work between 11:00 and 11:30.  According to the lovely Maps app on my iPhone, the distance from my house to my job is 5.9 miles.  So technically I give myself two hours to travel that 5.9 mile distance by bus.  Okay, I can make it in about an hour, but even that… let’s say six miles an hour… is not the most efficient way to travel to say the least.


A snapshot of my iBooks library as it stands today… you can’t quite see it all…

So, what do I do during that hour or so I spend on my way to work on the bus?  It depends.  Some days I read.  I’ve been reading a lot lately. A few months ago I breezed through George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series (better known, perhaps, as the Game of Thrones books).  Then I read Max Brooks’ excellent zombie tomes World War Z and The Zombie Survival Guide (so I know exactly what to do when the zombie apocalypse happens… and, believe me, it’s coming).  Then it was Stephen King’s excellent 11/23/63 (I wrote about that last time, I’m pretty sure) and, most recently, I finally read Dan Brown’s best known books Angels and Demons and The DaVinci Code (I’m sure I’ll get around to Digital Fortress sooner or later too).  And now I’m re-reading The Hot Zone by Richard Preston.  and, because paper is so last century, I do almost all my reading on iBooks on my iPhone.  I’m techno-geeky that way

What I will also do is listen to podcasts on my way to work.  I have only a few that I subscribe to, but I listen to them almost religiously.  I enjoy Kevin Smith’s “Smodco” podcasts very much and I’m a regular listener to three specific casts (pods?): Jay and Silent Bob Get Old, Hollywood Babble-On, and Fatman on Batman.  And it was something I heard on a recent Hollywood Babble-On that I really wanted to talk about today.  It only took me 500 words or so to get to the point. all riiiight…

Liam Neeson. apparently his junk is HUGE

Liam Neeson. apparently his junk is HUGE

Hollywood Babble-On, for those who don’t know, is a podcast that Smith typically performs live in front of an audience with his co-host Ralph Garman.  The entire show basically revolves around the pair making fun of various celebrities and discussing movies, television, music, and anything that may be going on in entertainment at the time they are doing the show.  To be fair, it’s really more Garman’s show than Smith’s, with the radio personality flexing his impression muscle each week performing the voices of celebrities including the likes of Sean Connery, Ed Wynn, Al Pacino, and a multitude of others.  Smith has taken to doing a voice or two in recent episodes, most often his “creepy sexy voice” (it truly is both – when I hear it I simultaneously want to Mace him and stick his dick in my mouth) or his impression of Tom Hardy’s Bane from The Dark Knight Rises (“Perhaps he’s wondering why you would SHOOT a man… before throwing him out of a plaaaaaane…”)  Each episode also ends with Garman reading listner-submitted jokes about the size of Liam Neeson’s (yes The Phantom Menace, Taken, and Kinsey Liam Neeson. Darkman and Oscar Schindler in one well-hung package this guy is) cock.

Liam Neeson’s cock is SO BIG…
That Sir Edmund Hillary stood at the base of it, looked up, and said, “nope.”

Anyway, jokes like that.

This week, however, when I started listening to the most recent Babble-On, I was surprised to find no studio audience, no standard lineup of segments (Shout Outs to Emails to Tinseltown Stiffs to Creepy Clown time to Shit that Should Not Be to Movies That Will Suck to Headlines, etc) and no Liam Neeson’s Cock gags. Instead this was Garman, Smith, and Scott Mosier (Mosier acts as producer on most of Smith’s films) recording from (presumably) Smith’s Los Angeles home and talking about a recent development in Smith’s film career.

Brian O'Halloran (left) and Jeff Anderson as Dante and Randal in Clerks

Brian O’Halloran (left) and Jeff Anderson as Dante and Randal in Clerks

It seems that Hit Somebody, a hockey movie that Smith had been working on for some time and had announced as the last film of his career (he plans to leave film-making in favor of his other pursuits, including his podcasts and television shows) was no longer going to be his final film or even a film at all.  Instead it will be a television mini series.  This will free Smith up to make what will be his final film, the often rumored and highly anticipated Clerks 3.

To say this news excited me would be a gross understatement. I’ve written before about how I loved Clerks and how I loved Clerks 2.  The thought of forty-something Dante and Randal cracking wise and growing up perhaps a little more thrills me to no end.  Then Smith elaborated about his plans for funding the picture by starting a Kickstarter campaign.  And, not only will Smith hit up his considerable internet fan base for the cash to fund his flick, he will be casting extras from his Kickstarter donors.

Wait,,, what? I can BUY a role in a Kevin Smith movie?

Oh, I am there.  I’m not a wealthy man, I earn just under fifteen bucks an hour answering phones for Sprint, but holy fuck! I’ll give him a paycheck… two even, if it gets me on that set.

Cartoon Clerks from the short-lived (only six episodes) Clerks: The Animated Series

Cartoon Clerks from the short-lived (only six episodes) Clerks: The Animated Series

Unfortunately, none of this is set in stone just yet, and it all seems to depend on two very big factors. One is that Bob and Harvey Weinstein must give the project their blessing. Due to contractual stipulations from Clerks 2, The Weinstein Company has partial control over the Clerks franchise.  And, unfortunately, there is bad blood between Smith and the Weinsteins at present, partially over the financial back-end of Clerks 2.  Also, Smith had some very unkind words to say about Harvey Weinstein in his book Tough Shit.  Secondly, Jeff Anderson will take some convincing.  A holdout from Clerks 2 (Anderson initially didn’t want to do the sequel), Anderson is reportedly hesitant to do a third film partially because of the same financial concerns from the last film (Smith explains some of the situation on the podcast without going into detail, likely for legal reasons).  Smith explained very plainly that without Anderson, there is no Clerks 3, and rightfully so.  It wouldn’t be the same with a different Randal.

I, for one, certainly hope Smith’s plan for his swan song comes to fruition. I want to see that movie.  If nothing else, maybe he’ll publish it as a book that I can download and read on my iPhone.


One comment

  1. Stephanie Gatas · December 13, 2012

    As long as it’s not like J&SBSB, I’m good.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s