February the 14th is almost upon us again and you know what that means: hearts and flowers and boxes of candy shaped like hearts and flowers and Type 2 diabetes abound everywhere. There are images of cupid in his cherubic form firing his love arrows (that sounds like a good name for a porno movie: “Love Arrows”) at hapless bystanders and love itself is quite literally in the air… wait, maybe that’s just the hole in the ozone. Oh yeah, also if you’ve ever purchased anything from 1-800 Flowers or Pro Flowers dot com, you’ve likely been innundated with email from them every day since about the 30th of January.
I do like those cute little candy hearts. You know, the one’s that say things like “Be Mine” or “Love You” on them and are made of pure sugar and come in various pastel colors? Lisa and I were in an “adult” shop a few weeks ago (so we’re those kind of people! Don’t judge us!) and I noticed they also sell them with slightly more… mature phrases (“Bend Over,” “Fuck Me,” and the like) printed upon them. Just a suggestion, if you buy these you’ll want to make sure they don’t get mixed in with the ones your kids are taking to school. That’s a meeting with the teacher and/or principal that you do not want to have.
Okay, perhaps I come off as a bit cynical, but really I enjoy Valentine’s Day. It’s nice to have a day set aside to be smarmy and romantic and all that good stuff. Maybe it sucks when you’re single, but if you have a significant other, it can be a lot of fun. For example? This Valentine’s Day, give “rodeo sex” a try. Suggest a position that you and your lover don’t usually employ and as soon as penetration is achieved, whisper in her/his ear, “This is how my other girlfriend/boyfriend do it.” Then try to hang on for eight seconds. Oh Valentine’s Day is great fun!
Of course, can’t I be loving the other 364 days of the year? If I just send her some roses or buy a shiny bauble from the Kay Jeweler in mid-February, does that cover me for another year?
Fortunately, my girlfriend Lisa (I told you all about her a few posts ago, didn’t I?) is not a gold and diamonds kind of girl. I’ve given her flowers and she loved them but it’s not like she expects that sort of thing. We’ve got tentative plans to visit the Las Vegas Mob Museum on the 14th. Apparently they’re offering free admission that day and they have a special exhibit related to the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Isn’t that romantic? Perhaps we’ll also hit a buffet. Now that’s a Vegas Valentine’s Day!
And, by the way, the Mob Museum was her idea.