So if you’ve been following the buzz on the interwebs the past few days or so, especially the social sites like Facebook and Twitter, you’ve likely heard the news that Fred Phelps is hanging by a thread, on death’s door and likely to shuffle loose the mortal coil any day now.
Who is Fred Phelps, you ask? To paraphrase Kevin Smith’s Red State, I would be both shocked and thrilled if you really didn’t know who Fred Phelps is. To quote the beginning of Phelps’ Wikipedia page (yes, this asshole has one):
“Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr. (born November 13, 1929) is an American pastor who headed the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), an independent Baptistchurch based in Topeka, Kansas, prior to his excommunication in 2013. Phelps is a disbarred lawyer, founder of the Phelps Chartered law firm, and a former civil rights activist. He has sought public office four times. In the election for United States Senator for Kansas in 1992, he received 49,416 votes (30.8%) in the Democratic primary, coming in second after Gloria O’Dell (who subsequently lost to later presidential candidate Bob Dole).”
Naturally, my first reaction, like many people’s, was “I hope someone pickets his funeral.” But, really, that would be a less than ideal response to this asshat going tits up. Why does anyone need to waste their time giving this clown or his family any notice at all? While the idea of a bunch of very gay men holding up signs reading “Fred Phelps is getting cornholed in Hell and he LOVES IT!” at the funeral is certainly appealing, it’s really more attention than this lamefuck deserves, isn’t it? Besides, what kind of an asshole pickets a funeral? Oh. Yeah.
So, anyway, breaking news: Fred Phelps is currently near death. One foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Ready to push up the daisies. He’s got a one way ticket to Valhalla where he’ll be forced to wear a serving wench outfit and get his ass grabbed by hairy Vikings for eternity. Worm food.
But, I don’t hope he dies… at least not right away. No, I hope he lingers on for a long, long time and suffers a lot. Not because i disagree with his ideals (which, of course, I do), but because I hope he experiences at least a fraction of the pain and suffering he has caused so many others over the course of his worthless existence. Sure, despite all that he’s a fellow human being and it’s wrong to wish suffering and death upon a fellow human being. Fuck ‘im. He’s an asshole.